Tuesday, August 22, 2006, 11:21 AM
i.feel.that.i.cant.like.anyone.anymore.
liking someone hurts, and once bitten twice shy.
i only ever truly liked someone before (no its not ape), but, the odds are always against me.
the day i will ever like someone again is gonna be a long long time i guess.
a long
long
long
long
long
time....
whatever. Its great to just have my friends =)
, 10:50 AM
aching
aching
aching
everywhere.
yesterday was a hell lot of continuous training from coach. 6 sets of non stop 2 steps spiking, and mine side only has 4 people nd 2 whole baskets of balls =O, but it was enjoyable, just that after that I was panting away. =| then he made us set and set and set and set, haha, its been a long time since I set non stop, the last time before baokun's era, he would always be torturing me. =P
zzz, i hate msn convo windows, helloo! its like lagging my blardy laptop again?! can everyone stop this nonsensical sometimes senseless msn convos?! I get pretty bothered about it when people keep leaving or typing rubbish and my computer lags whenever I am trying to do something.
Pon school today, not delibrately though. I really couldnt get outta bed while I was aching everywhere. It just seemed best not to move. So I think i told my mum that I didnt wanna go to school when she woke me up, half consciously, and I wasnt even aware of what I was saying.hahaha. =X
Cant attend the briefing tdy. late already and its so last minute, like how to make it...thank goodness madd's helping me take my consent form.
bored bored bored bored bored..aching aching aching aching aching...
Cant believe that today's the last day of school and the volleyball sports tour is like just 4 days away. Gosh, this is the third time I am gonna be away from my family for more than 5 days, the last time being primary 5's 10 days trip to beijing and 5 days of outward bound school in pulau ubin. Not really looking forward to it after I had a nightmare 2 nights ago though...i dont wanna mention it. Only madd knows about it. She also got freaked out. =|
Oh yah, talking about getting freaked out. While madd and I were riding home on the MRT train ytd, there was this 20+ year old guy, who stared at us both sitting at the corner with a murderous look in his eye, those of some psychotic patient. And while he stared, he was practically mumbling and mumbling non stop under his breath. That guy freaked us out pretty badly. Thank goodness he left the train at orchard stop. We were already getting ready all the possible items we could use to attack him with if he dared to come nearer..haha.
bored boreddd boreddd.. I think I shall go try nicer computer games. Shall try pangya to see if it's nice..and back to my meteor garden show after that..wheeee! 1 mth holiday here I come! =D
Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 12:12 AM
And yet another day that I reach home at 11+pm. I really don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want my parents to be disappointed with me and leave me to rot like they said. I really wanna make it an effort to go home early and have dinner with them and my grandma, to see my baby cousin, but yet once again, I have been held back by volleyball, a word my mum and dad hates to hear from me now.
“It’s always volleyball this volleyball that, you have got no life. You don’t even have time for your family anymore. Volleyball is like the world to you” is what my parents always say.
I don’t deny that volleyball is really important to me, but after what happened today after the match, I really don’t know how much volleyball means to me anymore. I mean, I love the sport and the challenge. But time and again I cry silently when once again, my and madd’s names have to be included in it. I mean, isn’t it enough that they mentioned about us during U19, in front of all our juniors? That our skills aren’t good enough to play with them yet we strive? I mean, hello, everyone has some pride and some things they don’t really wish to share with the juniors right? And by doing this, the juniors will just look down on us even more, and it really hurts each time they keep saying it. I mean yeah, I know they meant for the juniors to appreciate us more, but did it even occur to them that it might be hurting us in another way? Our pride is one thing. Our hardwork is another.
I have been striving so hard just so that I can not be looked down upon. I have been striving so hard just to show them that one day, I can play alongside them and win glory for the school too. I have been striving so hard to gain coach’s recognition. I have been striving so hard so as not to let siii down, after all, her sms a couple of months ago has been my source of motivation. I don’t wanna let Zhijun, gill down either. That’s what the 5 of us cried and agreed on in tanglin court a couple of months back, to stick together no matter what happens. I love them. They are all my dearies.
Sometimes, I just wished someone has this ability like Baokun, to pull the team together like he did last year. His punishments such as wei-ing bonded us together, his presence lifted the team’s spirit…but I know something happened this year. Bao Kun is no longer coaching us and the team’s been different in every way, except for the fact that we are still losing every single match. Yup, every one.
My dad mentioned over dinner yesterday that I have changed a lot since I was a baby. As a baby, I was always the most cheerful one, laughing at every little thing. But he mentioned that ever since I got into Crescent Girls School, life has taken a definite downturn for me. He noticed lesser smiles on my face and more tears of sorrow and hurt.
Well, I couldn’t help it. I was ostracized in sec 1 and sec 3, and the feeling was way beyond description. It was like the whole world’s crashing on me and all I wanted was to hide away from everyone, everything and just keep my feelings, my thoughts, my words, all to myself. At least no one will rebut what I say or feel, at least I don’t get hurt this way.
I am just not who I used to be. I am not the cheerful Mel no more. I just can’t help it. Sii, Elaine, Wong, Sam and Madd, sorry for worrying you guys just now, I just needed time on my own to put away some hurt feelings regarding the “madd and mel” issue. I really know you guys meant good, but sometimes, I feel hurt each time you guys mentioned it. I don’t wanna rake up the past, yet it keeps haunting me when you guys say it again. How the seniors used to ostracized me, madd and yen like my classmates used to do to me in secondary 3, how I strive up till date and still achieve practically nothing, at least not good enough to be as useful as the rest of you guys, and I am really tired. Really very tired. I haven’t even been feeling well lately. Giddiness that lasted 2 weeks that I was so sure I was gonna collapse if it persisted, and even after medication I still get giddiness a few times suddenly everyday. Not that I am scaring myself, but it makes me wonder a lot of things that I shan’t mention, but who are the dearests and closest to me.
I love my vball dearies and my family and no matter how much I have changed as a person that fact wouldn’t change. (:
Tuesday, August 01, 2006, 9:55 AM